I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
