they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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