Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
