Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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