Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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