I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
