i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
