I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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