Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
