I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
