Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
