I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
