I'm going to jail i love you
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
