Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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