At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
