one might say we're banned from that church
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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