Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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