Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
