Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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