hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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