I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
