I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i think im in europe. pls send help
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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