I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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