I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
