I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
