Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
