I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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