I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
