My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
