hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
is it fun? or sober?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
