i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
