My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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