I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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