too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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