You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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