Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
well you can't waste a boner
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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