So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
