I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
