i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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