from now on my penis is your penis
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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