I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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