If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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