At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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