im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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