: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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