I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
