I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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