It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
