I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
