making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize