just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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