I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
