I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
