Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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