2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
