maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
