i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
