Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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