He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
