There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
